What is the one thing that Frederick Douglass and Jesus had in common? Santa Claus and Ernest Hemingway? Fidel and Freud? What is it that the hated NY Yankees lack that makes them so despicable? Zeus, Poseidon, and even Santa Claus had one. Not to mention the Vlade-man, Dr. J, and just about every ?70?s NBA baller.

The answer? Beards. And according to the Transitive Property of Pau Gasol and the 2005 Memphis Grizzlies, it is the solution to the main problem facing the Warriors (?tha Dubs?), i.e. their lack of notoriety.

As a lifelong Warrior fan, there are a few things that I and my fellow second class fans hold to be indisputably true:  1) Latrell Sprewell was the fucking man.  I don't care who he choked or how much of a sociopath he became after 1995.  Prior to that, he was the absolute TRUTH.  2) If Isiah Thomas (the GM) were white, his name would be Dave Twardzik.  3)  Warrior's games are only a "great time out" if you prefer mediocre cheerleaders, awful cover bands, and trampoline dunks to actual quality basketball.  And finally, 4) The Dubs are far and away the most off-the-map team in NBA history.  Fans of other teams literally don't know that the team still exists.

Since it?s become pretty evident over the last 12 years that this team isn?t going to get on the map through actual on-the-court success, I suggest another approach. The entire team should grow beards. And not just the neatly-lined, metro-sexual, facial-pubes kind that a lot of players already have. Tha Dubs should grow full-length, roughneck, Lord of the Rings bushels.

In every arena, in every city, tha Dubs would be known before they even took the court, they?d be the ?bearded dozen?. Uniqueness breeds notoriety, and combined with retro appeal, they?d have the ingredients for a cult following. Just think about the fun SportsCenter would have with it.

There would be a couple of obstacles, as it?s probable that not all of the players are able to grow full beards. O?Bryant, Ellis, Biedrins, and Diogu are probably too young, and I?m pretty sure Pietrus isn?t even human. Dunleavy almost certainly has too much estrogen in his body. But that?s why they make fake glue-ons. Remember, we?re not worried about on-court performance here, just establishing a unique team identity. And with that, who knows, maybe some team cohesiveness and momentum towards actually winning basketball games.

I know it sounds a little unorthodox, but it?s not totally without precedent. It was practically the NBA grooming code in the 70?s. And teams shave their heads or all wear headbands to show unity all the time. And it?s clear, through the whole ?great time out? marketing campaign, that Warrior?s management has already decided to focus on non-basketball related efforts to improve the team. And finally, if for no other reason, they should do it because everything else has failed. What other options do they really have (aside from getting players that are actually "good at basketball")?