where to begin?   how about tuesday night, at 7:30pm PDST.   i don't know where you were, but i was sitting in a booth in the bar section of my local chili's, trying to watch the warriors game. why? because this god forsaken hellhole, located within the outer rings of the local melting pot of bland, middle-american culture we call "the mall", is the only place in my town with CSN Bay+, the premium channel that is home to the preempted rejects of the sporting world.   so what exactly was it that caused me to be affixed to the sticky vynil of a gaudily decorated booth, surrounded on all sides by strange mall people, with their oversized alice and chains t-shirts and cheap, cliche hot topic decorations?   ice hockey.    F*cking ice hockey, the game with such low scoring they have to force teams to play without  a full team on the rink,  in 2008!   somehow the nhl still exists after countless near-defunk-ings!

     from what i have managed to decipher from television, in the midst of the dense cloud of indifference surrounding the bizzarre sport, the local bay area team, the "sharks", are presently enjoying some sort of lead in their conference, or whatever equivalent they have.   it would seem their contingent of hook-nosed, eastern bloc goons is more profficient at awckwardly slapping tiny black objects about an ice rink for several hours at a time.   incredibly, their ability to ice skate, a pursuit usually left for little girls and effeminate boys, has caused their "games" to preempt nba basketball!!!

     needless to say, this is a huge problem.   i don't know how many more awesome blossoms i can choke down people!!!   tell your friends:   stop hockey now!