The following events occured at Savoy Kitchen over chrysanthemum tea and hainan chicken ( 海南雞飯 ) …
It was an innocuous conversation between Pollux and I — a simple supposition on the validity of the ratings, the digital conversion of physical prowess into binary, granted to certain basketball players in NBA LIVE 2001. As with all conversations filled with hot air and mindless drivel, this one ballooned to catastrophic effect. What started as a ratings discussion led to a simple team building exercise for NBA LIVE 2009 (a game we might never purchase as its place in the list of priorities falls below the need to get an actual gaming console capable of running said game). As rules and stipulations were set in place for an imaginary game run on our imaginary gaming console, NBA fanboy fanaticism reared its ugly head and that simple team building exercise mutated into this:
Form an NBA team, a full 15 man roster, ostensibly capable of making the 2009-2010 NBA playoffs.
1. NAA - No All-Stars allowed. Meaning no current all-stars and no former all-stars.
This means no to the likes of: Black Mamba, King James, Flash, CP3 (dumbest nickname ever), Big Fundamental, Vinsanity, The Answer, The Truth, Jesus Shuttlesworth, B Roy, Boozer, Boom Dizzle and their ilk. Yes, this group includes people like David West.
2. The Grant Hill Amendment: All-Stars that are well past their primes are certainly welcome; particularly veterans with a myriad of health issues. This includes the Big Aristotle, Antonio "I made KG run away from me like a big pussy" McDyess, and Grant-Hill-drinks-Sprite.
3. The Wally World Exception: Guys who were All-Stars but never should have been are also available for free agency pick-ups. You know, guys like Wally World and Jamaal Magliore (yeah, he’s still playing).
4. The Deron Williams Addendum: Deron Williams is widely considered as the 2nd best point guard in the ‘verse and should have been an all-star over David West; thus, he is an honorary All-Star.
Herein lies the catch lovingly referred to as the Lucky Pierre DilemmaA — we must operate as if each of our team owners is a bastard love child conceived through some form of dark mysticism during a threeway between Donald SterlingB, Chris CohanC, and Michael HeisleyD. Therefore both teams must operate within a $40M salary cap. No mid-level exceptions. No luxury tax. Just $40 million dollars to be divided amongst 15 playersE.
A the lucky pierre: the urban dictionary definition.
B LollllllololllOLOLLL. Clippers fans. LoLLLOL. Tim Thomas… LolllOLLL. fugazy. LolOLL. Zach Randolph the butt pirate. <— never heard about this? google it. "Zach Randolph Sued" or if you are of a dirtier frame of mind "Zach Randolph Anus." LOLOllOLLL.
C Chris Cohan is the owner of my Dubs. He blows. Here are a few highlights from his enlightened tenure as the owner of the Warriors:
- Joe Smith at #1.
- Adonal Foyle over Tmac. Why does this hurt? Because it does.
- Todd Fuller.
- Sprewell chokes PJ.
- Cohan is booed by the home crowd at halftime, with his son looking on, at the 2000 all-star game. Classless? Maybe. Deserved? Probably.
- Gives Dumbleavy and Murph huge contracts.
- We don’t make the playoffs for a long long time… and when we finally do ticket prices are raised for the following season and the team is subsequently blown up the following summer.
- The ROWELL ERA. fuuuuuuuck.
- He signs Corey Maggette to a $50M contract.
- Clippers fans laugh at us. CLIPPERS FANS.
- He signs Corey &*#^$# Maggette.
- Clippers fans laugh at us. That is worse than Kings fans laughing at us.
D Michael Heisley, owner of the Memphis Grizzlies, owns the team with the lowest salary at approximately $48M. We decided to make this exercise more difficult by rounding down to $40M. Also, the impetus behind the great Gasol Finagleling.
E Player salaries taken from reported 2008-2009 figures.
Dubs for life.