The NBA Playoffs have started. For the untrained sports fan, the announcers' lingo may be confusing, so here is a translation of all their favorite phrases.
"He hits the three enough to keep his defender honest."
What it means: "He can't shoot the three, but he does anyways, and will always leave his hand up in its shooting motion if he makes it to show how good he is at shooting it."
"He's the energy guy off the bench."
What it means: "This guy only has enough talent to play 10 minutes per game. His sole purpose is to run back and forth on the court as quick as possible, and maybe grab an offensive rebound, so we can all say how much energy he has."
"This guy is so versatile."
What it means: "This guy is slightly better than the energy guy, because he can actually pass and shoot. We say he is versatile to make him feel better, even though all the other players can also pass and shoot."
"He's a scorer."
What it means: "This guy will run up to whoever has the ball, demand it, and then dribble it around for 20 seconds before deciding to drive to the hoop to shoot a terrible shot. If he makes it, he will make grunting noises towards the crowd to show how good he is."
"He's their three point specialist."
What it means: "This guy cannot defend, rebound, pass, or dribble. However, he can shoot a three pointer."
"He's on fire!"
What it means: "This guy just made two shots in a row. Now he will shoot the ball every time he touches it, until his coach benches him for missing six straight 20-foot jump shots."
"He's their closer."
What it means: "He likes to shoot the ball during the end the fourth quarter, whether or not it goes in. If you take the ball away from him during the fourth quarter, he will stand on the perimeter and glare at you silently."
Anything Jeff Van Gundy says
What it means: "I'm going to say something totally irrelevant to the game at hand, so viewers don't realize that my friend Mark Jackson knows nothing about basketball."
Any catchphrase Mark Jackson says, like "mama, there goes that man" or "hand down man down"
What it means: "I'm going to say something that makes no sense, but maybe if I say it enough it'll become an actual basketball catchphrase."