Good evening.

My name is Dr. John, but you can call me Dr. J. I am here to inform you all about a serious disease that is ravaging players throughout the NBA and spreading to the lower levels of basketball as well. If left untreated, it can ruin a player's career and destroy their future. Please contact your local doctor immediately if you see any signs of this disease. The name of this disease is pumpfakeitis.

What is pumpfakeitis?

Pumpfakeitis was first discovered 1954, when medical professionals observed basketball players attempting to shoot a basketball. For some strange reason, sometimes a player would go up for a shot, but would come down with the ball still in his hand. It turned out that some of the players had been infected with a strange disease which caused the ball to stick to their hand until they had pump faked one or two times. From then on, an entire medical field was developed just to treat this disease.

How do I know if I am infected?

Good question. Throughout the years, doctors have modified and refined their methods for detecting pumpfakeitis. However, doctors cannot be everywhere, so in 1973 the NBA funded a million dollar joint project between doctors and players to create a testing procedure which would allow players to test themselves. As a result, a simple method was designed to test for pumpfakeitis. Here is what to do:

1. Grab a basketball
2. Attempt to shoot. If the basketball remains in your hand, you are infected.

Can I just play with this disease?

Unfortunately, if left untreated, this disease can only worsen. Soon, everything will be stuck to the patient's hand, and it will take at least two or three pump fakes just to remove an object. Sometimes it will take root in the body and stay with the patient forever. This is why some players work the pump fake into their game - they realized they had the disease too late. In the late stages of pumpfakeitis, we can only reduce, but not eliminate, how often the disease occurs in a player. These players do not want others knowing they have the disease, so they pretend that it is part of their game.

A Confession

The reason I am telling you all this because of one patient who I was unable to save. I have treated many players over the years, but I got to this man too late... every night I wonder what would have happened if his family members had just informed me earlier. We tried everything - surgery, pagan rituals, anvils - but nothing worked. The only thing we could do was to prevent it from spreading any further. Do not let this happen to you.

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I'm sorry, Dorell Wright.