Phone Conversation Between Joe and Kirk Lacob re: Assistant GM Position

[Phone Rings in Bismark, North Dakota]

Kirk Lacob: "Who dis?"

Joe Lacob: "Hi, son."

Kirk: "Gawd, Dad...what do you want?"

Joe: "Oh, sorry. Did I bother you? I can call back."

Kirk: "Yes. But, don't call me back. Just make it snappy. I'm playing NBA2K12 right now, trying to figure out how to convince the Heat to give us Lebron James. They keep declining my Biedrins + filler package."

Joe: "Well, I called to tell you that we just paid that cheerleader off who you 'invited to your party' that one time....wink wink."

Kirk: "Oh, thank God that's over. Let's make sure we replace her with someone who's not such a an uppity, feminist, 'see you next Tuesday', alright? Get someone who knows what the eff I mean when I invite them to a "pants party". Someone cuter too."

Joe: "You got it, Kirky Boy."

Kirk: "Daaaaaaad, don't call me that!! You know I hate it when you call me that!"

Joe: "I'm sorry, Kirk."

Kirk: "I told you it's K-Trill, dad! How am I supposed to get respect from NBA players with a name like Kirk? None of the black guys even look at me. K-Trill has street cred."

Joe: "Ok, K-Trill. You got it."

Kirk: "That's better. So, does this mean I can come back from this friggin' NBA Siberia up here in North Dakota, or what?"

Joe: "You know it, K-Trill! And, guess what! I've got a congratulatory gift for you after putting this sexual harrassment suit behind us."

Kirk: "You bought me Jeremy Tyler's Ferrari out of impound, didn't you!!!"

Joe: "No, son. Even better. I'm making you Assistant GM!"

Kirk: "Whoaaaaah. That's tits!"

Joe: "Well, with your wealth of basketball and management knowledge, one whole season of D League management, the College Degree I bought you, and the 24 years of wisdom you've accumulated while being my son, I think you've certainly earned it. I couldn't think of anyone more qualified for this than you."

Kirk: "Damn right, Dad. That Dakota Wizards team would have taken the championship too if Bob Myers hadn't needed Mikki Moore out there in the Bay. We were one Mikki Moore away from the Tin Jockstrap or whatever the stupid trophy is in that retarded league. I'm just glad that's all behind me now, thank God."

Joe: "And it was beneath you in the first place, K-Trill. We just needed you to lay low while we figured out that cheerleader's price. But now you can come back. We've got your office all ready and everything. And, guess who's going to be your secretary?"

Kirk: "Ummm....Jerry West?"

Joe: "No, unfortunately. I tried, but he was a little more expensive than I expected. He was kinda mad, too. But, I gave him a little cash to not mention it again, and he said it's still cool if I tell my golf buddies that we're besties and stuff."

Kirk: "Ummm....ok. Hrmm....I hope it's someone hot.... Umm.... Vanessa Bryant??"

Joe: "No, she's actually worth more than we are now, believe it or not."

Kirk: "Eva Longoria?"

Joe: "No,'s Larry Riley! I've already set up a cot for him in the far corner of your office. He has his shoe shine box and everything."

Kirk: "Oh god, dad, not the old guy! He's got a weird accent and always looks at me funny and winks when he says 'dickens'. I don't want him! I want Eva!!"

Joe: "Ok, well, I'll work on that, son. In the meantime, you can have Larry."

Kirk: "Geez. Ok. Just temporarily. But wait...who's going to be your human foot stool if he's my secretary?"

Joe: "Bob Myers, of course."

Kirk: "Ohhh, right. Alright, just make sure Larry knows he's not allowed to make eye contact with me."

Joe: "He already knows that."

Kirk: "Ok, this all sounds good, I guess. But, when do I get to become the actual GM?"

Joe: "Well, Kir--"

Kirk: "K-TRILL!!!"

Joe: "Well, K-Trill, that's going to be a while."


Joe: "Sorry, son. I'm going to have to be firm about this. Being an NBA GM is a big responsibility."

Kirk: "So how long?"

Joe: "One year."

Kirk: "BUT DAAA--"

Joe: "NO, son. No arguments. One whole year. But, then it'll just be you and me: a tour-de-force of combined basketball genius of the likes which the world has never known. Together, with our army of basketball peons that we command like pawns to do our bidding, we will build a world class team of David Lees that will take the NBA -- neigh -- THE WORLD by storm. How many championships, son?"

Kirk: "Not one..........not two.....not three, or FOUR or FIVE......or SIX.....or SEVEN....or....oh...Dad, gotta run...J-Ridah's on the other line. We're heading out to the clubs tonight so that I can show him how Bismark do. See you in San Francisco. That's right. I said San Francisco. Thanks for the new job and sh!t. Late."

This FanPost is a submission from a member of the mighty Golden State of Mind community. While we're all here to throw up that W, these words do not necessarily reflect the views of the GSoM Crew. Still, chances are the preceding post is Unstoppable Baby!

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