Are you living on the streets, using newspaper as a blanket? Are you dissastified with the job you currently have? Do you want to work only two hours per week? Well, fear not, my friends! Just follow these ten simple rules and you will be employed by ESPN in no time!
1.) Mention Tim Tebow in every article. Tebow, as we all know, is the greatest quarterback of all time and will carry his teammates to the Super Bowl.
After rallying his team to victory, similar to how Tim Tebow rallied his team to a victory in the playoffs, Kevin Durant thanked
Tim TebowGod in his postgame inteview.
2.) Ask for LeBron's opinion on a subject and post it on the "Heat Index" as an article. Everyone cares about LeBron's opinion on every single little thing.
When asked about the gradual decay of matter in the universe, LeBron replied, "How the f*** should I know?"
3.) Write in generalizations. Not only does it absolve you of criticism, it also allows you to copy-paste from previous articles and do even less work.
(Player X) can pass, dribble, shoot, and dunk. The question is whether he can put it all together and start producing stats. If he can, he could certainly be an NBA caliber player.
4.) Cite anonymous sources. Every reporter has an anonymous source.
5.) Talk about how great the East Coast is. Everyone knows how great the East is and how bad the West is.
The Yankees will always the best baseball team in the world because they live in New York, home of Tim Tebow. They are the classiest franchise because New Yorkers are always classy.
6.) Make arbitrary rankings. It takes 30 seconds, and allows you to pretend you accomplished something.
1.) Charlotte Bobcats. While the Bobcats may be the worst team in basketball, they have the same mascot as my high school team.
7.) Email other writers about their opinions on some subjects, then slap all their opinions together and pretend that it's an article.
ESPN 5-on-5: Is Kobe the greatest leader ever?
John Hollinger: I cannot answer this, as PER does not measure leadership.
Beckley Mason: brb im on the toilet
Bill Simmons: Hey Kobe, is that the squeaking of Paul Pierce's wheelchair I hear????
Replybot1610: I'm sorry, but the email address you typed was incorrect. Your email was not sent.
Xenu: Bow before me, pitiful humans.
8.) Beat a dead horse. Pretend to be morally outraged about a subject which has been written about thousands of times before, preferably with a lot of exclamation marks.
I would like to say how angry I am that these student-athletes are receiving payments from agents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tim Tebow would not stand for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9.) Toe the company line. Remember, ESPN is more important than life.
Even though every single expert says NFL preseason does not matter, here is why it does matter, and why you should watch it on ESPN:
10.) Gel your hair. All the cool kids do it.
- Mel Kiper Jr.