clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

BREAKING NEWS: Ice Cube Purchases the Warriors

In a move that will come as a pleasant surprise to all of Warriors Nation, Warriors' (mis)management team Chris Cohan and Robert Rowell (aka "the clowns")
have sold the team to rapper-actor extraordinaire Ice Cube.

After staring down former owner Chris Cohan at today's press conference and telling him to "CHECK YO SELF", Ice Cube told Warriors Nation that he would never have the nerve to raise ticket prices after 12 losing seasons. Cube offered to make up for the 12 years of embarrassment by giving free admission to all Friday home games next season. When probed for a reason for the free Friday games next season, Ice Cube explained "Fool, cause it's FRIDAY!"

In O'Shea Jackson's (Ice Cube's real name) welcome speech to Warriors Nation he humbly stated "Ask not what you can do for Warriors Nation. Instead ask WHAT CAN I DO. TA-DOW!" Cube promised to be a hands-on owner in the mold of Mark Cuban and the Maloof brothers. In other words, Ice will actually have some pride and care when his team wins or loses. It's not just about the 100 DOLLAR BILL YA'LL.

Proving his commitment to winning, Cube offered to throw on a jersey and "mess around and get a triple double" if the Warriors are ever struggling.


A sampling of the changes Ice Cube promised to make as the new owner of the Warriors at this morning's press conference:

  • The Warriors will now be the Yay Area Warriors dropping the ridiculous Golden State from their name

  • The current Warriors band will be retired and replaced with George Clinton and the P. Funk All Stars

    The Atomic Dog himself (PrinceSF)

  • The Smirnoff Lounge will now be called the WE BE CLUBBIN' Lounge

  • There will be no more annual Chris Mullin buzzcut promotions. They will be replaced by the BARBERSHOP promotion. "Get a tight fade and you'll get free lowerbowl tickets!"

  • The big, inflatable Thunder will come out every game and hit the Warrior players "on the head with the bop gun" any time they miss a clutch free throw or wide open shot (ahem, Mike Dunleavy).

  • And finally, Chris Mullin, Rod Higgins, and Mitch Richmond will be replaced by Dr. Dre, MC Ren, DJ Yella, and The D.O.C. Former Stanford Coach Mike Montgomery will be replaced with Chris Tucker... "And you know this MAAAAAAAN!"

    Coach Tucker: "I look GOOOOD, don't I?!" (Math Press)

Ice Cube also promised Warriors Nation that the Dubs will be championship contenders by 2008. Cube also warned, "Any Faker or Queens fans that show up to root on their sorry squads in our house will get served and be forced to BOW DOWN."

Near the end of the press conference, Ice Cube gave a special shout out to the Golden State of Mind Squad and readers, noting that every time he checks the site he walks away amazed wondering out loud "THERE'S BLOGS OUT THERE THAT BIIIIIIG?!!!"

Cube finished off the fun press conference exclaiming "My peoples- soon, very soon... WE BE WINNING! YAY! YAY... AREA!"


Another Golden State of Mind exclusive!

Now that the Cohan era is finally over in the Bay, how do you think the Warriors will fare under the Ice Cube regime?

Sign up for the newsletter Sign up for the Golden State of Mind Daily Roundup newsletter!

A daily roundup of Golden State Warriors news from Golden State of Mind