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America's Next Biggest Warriors Fan: Runner Up

It's finally the time you've all been waiting for. No, not the start of the regular season, it's the results of the Golden State of Mind essay contest, "America's Next Biggest Golden State Warrior Fan." Thankfully we did not receive any essays saying "I'm 500 pounds, I am America's Biggest Warrior Fan."

In total, we received 9 entries and to give every one of our entrants their props and due time in the spotlight, we're going to post their essays in full in their own separate posts. We want to extend a special thank you to all of our entrants. Reading your essays was a blast and we enjoyed each and every one of them.

Just to let you know, we each ranked all the essays 1-9 and then tallied the point total. The point totals were so close, and not many points separated the runner ups from the winners. You'll have to hold your breath to find out the winner. We're not going to post them all at once. We want each essay to get it's fair share of air time. So, we're going to start with the runner ups individually and then run through the top 3 in separate posts. Keep in mind, the runner ups are not ranked, they will be posted in alphabetical order according to their username.

Without further ado, runner up, Carney04.

Drastic Times...

What is the one thing that Frederick Douglass and Jesus had in common? Santa Claus and Ernest Hemingway? Fidel and Freud? What is it that the hated NY Yankees lack that makes them so despicable? Zeus, Poseidon, and even Santa Claus had one. Not to mention the Vlade-man, Dr. J, and just about every ?70?s NBA baller.

The answer? Beards. And according to the Transitive Property of Pau Gasol and the 2005 Memphis Grizzlies, it is the solution to the main problem facing the Warriors (?tha Dubs?), i.e. their lack of notoriety.

As a lifelong Warrior fan, there are a few things that I and my fellow second class fans hold to be indisputably true:  1) Latrell Sprewell was the fucking man.  I don't care who he choked or how much of a sociopath he became after 1995.  Prior to that, he was the absolute TRUTH.  2) If Isiah Thomas (the GM) were white, his name would be Dave Twardzik.  3)  Warrior's games are only a "great time out" if you prefer mediocre cheerleaders, awful cover bands, and trampoline dunks to actual quality basketball.  And finally, 4) The Dubs are far and away the most off-the-map team in NBA history.  Fans of other teams literally don't know that the team still exists.

Since it?s become pretty evident over the last 12 years that this team isn?t going to get on the map through actual on-the-court success, I suggest another approach. The entire team should grow beards. And not just the neatly-lined, metro-sexual, facial-pubes kind that a lot of players already have. Tha Dubs should grow full-length, roughneck, Lord of the Rings bushels.

In every arena, in every city, tha Dubs would be known before they even took the court, they?d be the ?bearded dozen?. Uniqueness breeds notoriety, and combined with retro appeal, they?d have the ingredients for a cult following. Just think about the fun SportsCenter would have with it.

There would be a couple of obstacles, as it?s probable that not all of the players are able to grow full beards. O?Bryant, Ellis, Biedrins, and Diogu are probably too young, and I?m pretty sure Pietrus isn?t even human. Dunleavy almost certainly has too much estrogen in his body. But that?s why they make fake glue-ons. Remember, we?re not worried about on-court performance here, just establishing a unique team identity. And with that, who knows, maybe some team cohesiveness and momentum towards actually winning basketball games.

I know it sounds a little unorthodox, but it?s not totally without precedent. It was practically the NBA grooming code in the 70?s. And teams shave their heads or all wear headbands to show unity all the time. And it?s clear, through the whole ?great time out? marketing campaign, that Warrior?s management has already decided to focus on non-basketball related efforts to improve the team. And finally, if for no other reason, they should do it because everything else has failed. What other options do they really have (aside from getting players that are actually "good at basketball")?

GSoM Comments
  • Creative, I thought it was hilarious!
  • Funny as hell. I heard David Stern may outlaw fake beards as not being ?business casual?.
  • Unity through beards to end 12 year playoff droughts? It might just be crazy enough to work!
  • Beardtastic. A unique approach to getting the dubs on the map. I was truly inspired to see that no stone is left unturned in the mid of Warriors fans as they quest for an identifiable team. Also, I was truly inspired to not shave for a week.
Congrats to Carney04 for the funny essay. Here to present you your prize, Jessica Alba. Jessica, tell him what he's won.

"Well, he wins this awesome Thunder Key Chain that he can carry around with pride. Go Warriors!"


What do you think, beard or no beard? That is the question.

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