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11 steps to becoming a champion, like the Warriors

If you follow these totally repeatable and not-at-all-absurd steps, your team can be just as cool as the NBA Champions.

Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

1. Hire the right coach

Have the following conversations:

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stan Van, that's not how things work here. If we were to give you final say on all personnel decisions, it would undermine our whole ethos of democratic and inclusive decision making."

"Oh, hey there, Mr. Kerr. What was that you were saying about ball and player movement? Something about an unholy amalgam of the triangle, motion weak, and 7-seconds-or-less? That sounds great, but who do you want to hire as assistants? Wow, the men-behind-the-men who revolutionized offense and defense, respectively, in the last decade? Sounds like a plan."

2. Don't make THE TRADE

Everyone on the outside will say you should make the trade. Jerry West, the one from the logo, will threaten to quit if you do. Trust The Logo. You hired him for a reason. Trust yourselves. You drafted these young guys. You believe you can develop them. You don't know if Kevin Love's personality will fit with the team. Don't fix what ain't broke.

3. Destroy bad teams

In order to achieve a Net Rating in the realm of the historical, you must lay down the hammer a few times over the season. Win 16 games by 20 points or more. Maybe it's more fun to win a nail-biter, but resist that urge. Feel your superiority, and impose it upon your opponent.

Aside: I'm still getting used to the idea that I expect the Warriors to win. Growing up, I used to have a depressing motto: "The Warriors are going to lose. Want to know how I know? It's the third quarter." Now, it has flipped. All year, the Warriors could either go up big in the first half and coast with their strong bench the rest of the game, or they could let their opponent hang around and pounce later in the game. It only takes the blink of an eye with this team. The game is over before the opposing coach even has time to think about calling a timeout.

4. Win some "statement games"

Beat the best teams in the league. Hell, beat every team in the league. Sweep the Rockets in the regular season. Beat them down after they say you "ain't even that good." Make Chris Paul look like a fool. Stick your tongue out at Blake Griffin. Make the Spurs look mortal. Rain on Atlanta's parade. Grind down the Grindhouse. Make it all look easy.

5. Go viral (in a good way)

If you get bored of beating lowly Eastern Conference teams, spice it up by making mile-high music videos for songs about illicit substances. Take advantage of your Brazilian guard's magical larynx. Give the fans a behind-the-scenes view of your travel. Show them which players are seat buddies. Show them who's at the card table. By God, Steph, eat your pepperoni pizza and slide your window up and down.

Do not take mysterious two week breaks from basketball. Do not make passive aggressive digs at your teammates. Looking at you, Cavaliers.

6. Have an MVP-caliber season

Go ahead, set some records for three point shooting. Improve your finishing around the basket. Draw double teams everywhere. If they switch, punish them. They'll double you eventually. And when that doesn't work, they'll have nothing left.

Hit a game-winner.

Drop some dimes.

Dunk on someone.

Be humble.

But not too humble.

7. Have an absolutely crazy individual performance

When the drudgery of the regular season is upon us, and we think that we're watching just another run-of-the-mill handling of the Sacramento Kings, do something crazy. Catch fire like you're a YA novel. Shoot until you miss. Unless, of course, you don't miss. Look Nik Stauskas in the eyes and communicate without words to him that you feel for him. For you've just turned into the Incredible Hulk, and whatever you do now, it's beyond your control. You'll shoot step-backs. You'll shoot off-the-dribble. You'll shoot from your hip. At the end of the quarter, you'll wake up naked in a daze. You'll pick up a newspaper from the rubble, and the headline will read "Giant Green Monster Scores 37 in a Quarter."

8. Have THAT GUY

You know which guy. The guy who they thought couldn't guard anyone, but can actually guard everyone. The guy whose motto is to "goon up." The guy whose mother isn't afraid to tweet at anybody. The guy who improves his three-point shot just enough. The guy who shouts at opponents, teammates, refs, and even his brand new coach. Kevin Love may have a great stroke, but I doubt anyone has ever called him the "heartbeat" of a team. Draymond Green is the heartbeat of the Warriors. And he's the vocal cords.

9. Have some quirky vets

7-foot Australian? Check.

We Gonna Be Championship? Check.

Gunner in a center's body? Check.

Whatever in the world Andre Iguodala is? I guess that would be a Finals MVP. Check.

10. When in doubt, deploy the really cute toddler of your MVP.

11. When you get to the Playoffs, stomach-punch entire fanbases

New Orleans will just be happy to be there. They made the playoffs on the last day of the season. Give them some hope. Let them go up 20. Let them feel good about Tyreke Evans. He's the one who stole Rookie of the Year from your MVP.

Start the comeback unconventionally. Crash the offensive glass. You'll start making shots, eventually.

Drill the left corner three to send it to overtime. You're shooting 1000 percent from there. Take the foul. And when the refs admit it was a foul after the game, don't worry about it. You've got bigger fish to fry.

Take the air out of grindhouse like it's a bounce house. Disrespect Tony Allen. Make the faces of the fans freeze with this:

Destroy the Rockets in Houston. Let their fans know that it's over. They can come back from 3-1, but not 3-0. Then, let them have Game 4. It's fun to win something at home.

Win the Championship in Cleveland. Accept LeBron's handshake of sorrow gracefully. Accept the trophy amidst Warriors chants from those who have traveled to see you win. Revel in the sight that is a plastic-covered visitor's locker room. Have the best possible party you can in Cleveland. Don't worry about the fans that weren't there to enjoy it with you. We will be at the parade.

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