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The NFL for NBA Fans: Eight team-by-team comparisons

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GSoMers deserve to know a thing or two about the NFL, and its best that it come from a trusted source. But I'll write it anyway, because I did it last year.

No, it's not a federal investigations bureau. It's the footballs!
No, it's not a federal investigations bureau. It's the footballs!
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

NFL football is back, and millions of Warriors fans (old and new) suddenly need answers to important questions like: 'which sport is that?' And 'why they should care?' Don't worry, dear Warriors fan. I can get you almost caught up in 1,000 words or less!

For the second year in a row, I will make spot-on accurate comparisons between select NBA and NFL franchises so that you, dear reader, can easily follow football on Sundays (or Thursdays or Mondays or Saturdays in December or Tuesdays when everyone has their NFL special on the radio and also FanDuel Presents Thanksgiving Day, especially).

A couple changes from last year: doing all 32 franchises made my brain hurt, so this time I'll stick to eight (and to keep it fresh, I will only make brand new comparisons this year). Also, I waited until week three to do the comparisons, because if I did them in the preseason, I'd have a couple of oopsies to report in next year's edition (Ravens vs. Seahawks Super Bowl, anyone? Don't worry, the hilarity of that statement will make sense a year from now).

Without further stalling for word-count-fluffery, I give you...

The NFL: for NBA fans

That feeling when it's your year until two of your three best players get hurt in the middle of a title run? But at least you've still got a huge national following, like 20 nationally televised games (I'm including NFL preseason of course) and an owner whose wealth can best be described as "comic villain-ish." Just don't raise the ticket prices, please.

The Dallas Cowboys are: the Cleveland Cavaliers

Allow me to think out loud, here. Your team left, changed their name, came back, changed their name back, and still stink (EST 1990!). And the other (original?) one got all the player and coaching talent? And your very favorite currently active player has never played for your team in any way, shape or form, and merely played his amateur ball nearby? Please go find a new team for your own sake. I'm going to give my italics key a rest.

The Cleveland Browns are: the Charlotte Hornets Bobcats Hornets

When you have a jerk owner (fame monster, much?) who everyone hates, and everyone - and I mean everyone - is using every excuse in the book not to play for you, then you can only be one of two teams.

The San Francisco 49ers are: the Dallas Mavericks

Geniuses. Innovators. All that and more. But while one GM's team has evolved beyond the need to draft players who can walk, or, you know, anyone who's not a center...the other GM's team no longer troubles itself with yards, points, defense and stuff. And also players, too, I guess. Look — all brilliant ideas look insane at first, right? That's how you know they're brilliant!

By the way: you've just been traded for a late round draft pick for not fitting SB*Nation's culture.

The Philadelphia Eagles are: the Philadelphia 76ers, and both are building something special in 2021

They're led by an 18-year veteran who will seemingly never retire, and most of our readers weren't alive to see their best teams (which were pretty awesome — allegedly). Their roster and their management have been a running joke for a few years now, but surprisingly, they've stacked together two pretty good draft classes and figure to be on the rise. They won't make much noise this year, but at least they'll be fun to watch, and somewhat competitive. Oh yeah, and more than half of their fan base lives in LA County.*

The Oakland Raiders are: the Los Angeles Lakers

My friend works in sales and marketing. During the summer, his quote: "The Sacramento Kings are the Washington Redskins of public relations."

Wish I could get cute or clever, but that's pretty much dead-on. If either team was a movie, it would be 2003's "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."

The Washington Redskins are: Kings Owner Vivek Ranadive's Daughter's Basketball Team

Yeah, their roster is good: they've even got some legitimate star power. They also have a pretty notable coach. Well, really, just a coach who won't shut up. I wish he would shut up. Anyway: they're a good team, but they aren't winning anything any time soon, because (A) their team is synonymous with choking, and; (B) you couldn't get a decent free agent to go to a barren wasteland like dot, dot, dot.

The Buffalo Bills are: the Los Angeles Clippers

They don't even pretend to hide the fact that they habitually and constantly cheat, like an addict. Only bandwagoners and children would ever pay money to see them, let alone root for them. And by the way, none of their wins count. Saved the most obvious one for last. Cheers.

The New England Patriots are: the Harlem Globetrotters