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NBA Western Conference Finals: A list of things worse than last night's Warriors vs. Thunder game


Mark D. Smith-USA TODAY Sports

This is why we can't have nice things. Fancy, shiny cars. Trinkets and dazzling jewelry. At some point, everything turns to dust. Everything crumbles into the shadows. The Warriors, owners of that fancy 73 win season, are watching their fancy nice possession disappear before their eyes.

Or maybe I'm just still traumatized from last night's butt whooping.

To make myself feel better, here is a list of things worse than last night's game.

1.) A donkey stepping on your face

Like, let's say you were laying around on the ground on some farm -- perhaps in Pennsylvania -- and some damn donkey just came and stepped on your peaceful face. That would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

2.) Catching your significant other in bed with your high school science teacher

I'm saying, like, years later. And that dude smells weird and has bad breath and his teeth are yellow and stained and his hair is mostly all fallen out. That would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

3.) You stub your toe in the night on a chair as you're trying to get a midnight snack

In hopping around, you trip, fall down the basement stairs. The door slams behind you, no one can hear your screams. You live alone. Eventually, the house goes up for auction because of missed mortgage payments. A nice family moves in, but never investigates the basement, which has a strange odor and they're kinda low key terrified to go down there but the house was cheap and they were desperate so they bought it anyways. One day, their little boy has a friend over from school. The friend dares him to finally go down there, so they open the creaky door, flashlights drawn, and slowly descend. In a corner, propped against the wall, is your decomposing, rat-eaten body. With the last of your strength, you'd found a rock and scratched, "THE HORROR" into the wall. That would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

4.) The Kardashians

That would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

5.) You own a palace made of cheese, but it is a dream, not real

The palace is made of cheese. It is a dream palace. You love cheese. It is populated with beautiful women in flowing dresses who walk around with huge cheese platters. There is a well curated garden filled with orange flamingos in top hats. You are in heaven, but then your alarm goes off and you have to get out of bed to go to your office job that you despise. You stand in the shower letting the hot water scald your neck and back just so you can feel something, just for a moment. That would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

6.) Stephen Curry getting injured again

At least that didn't happen, because that would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

7.) Instead of sending their strongest, ablest athletes to the Olympics, future generations hold a random draft to determine who will represent each country

In part, they want to even the playing field. Also, the world is full of nihilists and sad hearts and folks really just enjoy the dumb spectacle of the whole thing. On draft day, you're having a party at your house. There are meat plates and bowls of nuts and bowls of olives. It's a yearly tradition, you having people over so you can all make fun of the dumb a-holes that get drafted into these physically daunting tasks to be viewed the world over. But, when they call the name for the skeleton luge event, they say your name. Suddenly, the TV flips, the camera engages, and your dumb face is being televised all around the world to billions of people. You break down into tears. The Olympic Police break down your door, haul you away. Your friends are laughing because they never really liked you anyways but you had a nice big TV and the olives were pretty tasty. The next day, with no training at all, you are forced onto one of those little sleds -- head first -- and you're staring at the death track, just waiting for the signal to start. That would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

8.) You are playing a show in Winnie the Pooh tighty whities

You are the lead singer in a world famous rock band. But suddenly, mid song, you realize you forgot to wear pants. Also, you are wearing your favorite pair of Winnie the Pooh tighty whities. Everyone is laughing at you. You try to play it off, but you realize you don't have the charisma or the talent to turn this situation to your favor. And that -- more than the unfortunate lack of pants -- is what ultimately dooms your career. No one respects a singer who can't pull off Winnie the Pooh underwear in front of thousands. That would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

9.) This song

That would be worse than last night's game. For sure.

10.) Draymond Green being suspended for Game 4 because of some dumb, bone headed, petty moment

That would be worse than--wait... What? That might happen?


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