Golden State Warriors majority owner Joe Lacob made headlines recently, during his annual pre-draft reporters' Skype call. In a surprising turn of events, Lacob announced that his team would do "whatever it takes to sign superstar Dwight Howard."
The news comes on the heels of Lacob's dramatic comments to the press this spring, when he proclaimed the franchise to be "light-years ahead" of its competition.
"You look at the places he's been, and he's done nothing but win. I mean, he's a champion. He told us so himself!" Lacob said, taking an (apparently) alternate usage of the term champion. "That guy has won dozens of games, every single season! Not even the New England Patriots do that!" Lacob continued. "And did you see his shoulders? It's obvious he could carry several people to another championship, at least." Owner Joe Lacob trailed off, presumably to speculate on Howard's shoulder workout routine and whey protein intake before taking more questions.
Regarding his earlier light-years comment, Lacob clarified: "As you approach the speed of light, you get time dilation. That means we have to make decisions really, really quickly. Like, so quickly that even hindsight can't help you. Sure Howard was a mess and a team distraction for the past few years. But due to time dilation, we know that he's actually better than ever. Because science."
Lacob then took time to shoot private Skype-message glares at individual reporters who may have been snickering.
With the Warriors previously rumored to be in pursuit of Oklahoma City's Kevin Durant, the decision to chase Dwight Howard will come as a shock to Dubs Nation. And with restricted free agents Harrison Barnes and Festus Ezeli looking for new contracts, adding Dwight Howard could mean re-shaping the entire roster of a 73-win team.
When asked if the team would still pursue Dwight Howard if Kevin Durant wanted to join the team, Lacob gave an interesting answer. "What would we do with a scrawny jump shooter? Basketball championships require strength on the post, not finesse."
Lacob was then asked to comment on the rumors that Dwight Howard is interested in joining the New York Knicks.
"See? Do you see?" Lacob held up his iPhone 9$, which displayed a holographic mock image of Dwight Howard in a blue #12 Knicks' road uniform. "This is the type of team we aspire to be. Note the blue and citrus color scheme. It is time tested, and we know our own blue and gold design would look just as good on Dwight. Can you picture it, now?"
General manager Bob Myers and coach Steve Kerr could not be reached for comment. We sent a telegram for special adviser Jerry West, but honestly, we're not really sure how to know if it has been returned. Luke Walton, however, did respond via MySpace.com.
The next head coach of the Lakers also added in a separate message: "lmfao awesome can't wait to play dubs now. did you download our mixtape? its hot! -L Dog."
The Warriors front office has been very daring recently, making waves for the Monta Ellis for Andrew Bogut swap, signing Andre Iguodala, and firing successful head coach Mark Jackson after a playoff appearance. But breaking up a championship core for Dwight Howard would certainly be the boldest move yet.
"We get to build around Dwight Howard, the number 30 pick, and my cunning. What could possibly be better?"
Lacob concluded the call by publicly offering his court-side season tickets to Dwight Howard, should he join the Golden State Warriors. But he soon reconsidered upon realizing that Howard would need to play on the floor, each game. He was also made aware that Warriors players do not currently pay for their own court-side 'bench' seats, an oversight that he vowed to rectify -- with blood.
At sign-off, Lacob's assistant stressed that the views of Mr. Lacob did not necessarily reflect those of Warriors staff or personnel.
Golden State of Mind will have more on this shocking turn of events as it develops.