I like the NBA Playoffs. But I also like South Park. And though the show has jumped the shark (at least a couple times), it can still be relevant as a point of reference for comparisons. So in lieu of an article reviewing the different basketball strategies we've seen this postseason, here's a handy South Park guide to the playoff teams.
If you're not familiar with South Park, or are easily offended, you may want to avoid reading further.
1. The Houston Rockets are: Towelie
Because you didn't even want to be here in the playoffs (or anywhere, for that matter). Even the writers and referees are tired of your schtick. You're almost certainly stoned, even during games. At least it looks like it, with your glassy, dead eyes. And James Harden is a towel.
2. The Portland Trailblazers are: Ike Broflovski
A prodigious little scamp, you're both wise beyond your years, and way too talented to be three years old (give or take). There's your macaroni rendition of the last supper, your inspiring 2016 playoff run, and even your stint as the second-in-command to a pirate captain. You're also a north-westerner, and most likely Canadian.
Despite all of that, you're still just our little brother. We also like to kick you in your funny little face.
3. The Oklahoma City Thunder are: Scott Tenorman
You're bigger than us, you're stronger than us, and you may even be smarter than us. You've got a clever streak, and even a bit of a killer instinct (go on, with your bad self). You're basically our physical better in every way. But ultimately, you just weren't quite ready for how sadistic and twisted we could really be in a series. Dang.
Scott Tenorman is famous among South Park fans for staging an elaborate chili cook-off switch-aroo to trick Eric Cartman into eating Scott's own pubic shavings. A cruel prank, to be sure. Only Cartman read that trick, and arranged for Scott's parents to be killed, hacked into tiny pieces, and fed into Scott's own chili instead. Ruthless doesn't even begin to describe it.
4. The Cleveland Cavaliers are: Tweek Tweak
You spaz out at a moment's notice, either from dangerous levels of caffeine or from decades of being a Cleveland fan. EVERYTHING is out to get you, and it's so ingrained in you that it's simply a metaphysical fact. Calming you down is generally a waste of time, and everyone else knows how to just ignore your sporadic, high-pitched freak-out sessions. Despite this, you've had a hell of a run - be it as Kenny's replacement, or as LeBron's team du jour. It is rumored that Tweek's assorted exclamations on the show were actually candidly recorded fans at a downtown Cleveland bar during last year's NBA Finals.
"Too much pressure!"
5. Bonus! The San Antonio Spurs are: Chef
Still remembered, and still popular. You're the one-time face of the entire show, and you taught us so many of life's awkward growing-up lessons. But let's face it: you're past your prime and you've rightfully been put out to pasture. Oh well. We'll always have 1999!
6. The Golden State Warriors are: the Woodland Christmas Critters!
Because we're cute, cuddly and lovable! But we're also evil, unholy demon spawn who want to murder Santa with our laser eyes, make blood sacrifices of our friends in a pool of fire, and destroy the world in the name of our dark lord. Who else would we even be?