Kevin Frickin Durant will join the 73-win Golden State Warriors

Word broke earlier this morning that Kevin Durant would be announcing his decision soon, and that he would be announcing it via The Players’ Tribune, a website of which he is part owner. So, the basketball community and the world at large waited. And waited. Aaaaaand waited some more.

Jokes were made, fun was had. But the tension was palpable.

Suddenly, without any further warning, Kevin Durant tweeted this:

With one fell swoop, Kevin changed the future direction of basketball.

The 2015-2016 Warriors fell one game short of cementing themselves as the best team of all time. 73 wins? Unanimous MVP? Back to back champions? They were soooooo close.

However, Curry got hurt early in the playoffs and never looked quite right, the Warriors scraped themselves out of a 3-1 hole to the Thunder, and then collapsed in the final three games as LeBron James wrestled victory out of the jaws of defeat. It wasn’t the ending we desired, but it was the ending we got. Somewhere in the midst of watching Curry limp around the court, and in the midst of watching the team go down 3-1 to OKC, the season lost a little bit of its magic. Lost that sheen of invincibility. Lost the feeling of inevitability. The Warriors were proven mortal, just like the rest of us.

But... Let this sink in: The best team of all time (almost) just added Kevin Freaking Durant.

Kevin.

Freaking.

Durant.

The guy who once did this:

And this:

That dude is joining the 73-win Warriors. I literally have chills right now. When the news first broke, I screamed out loud, tweeted this:

And then jumped out of my chair and shimmied around the room, dancing and flailing my limbs like a crazy person.

Current mood: I feel like I drank a case of Red Bull, injected five oz of pure, liquified Dopamine into my brain, and won $15,000,000,000 in a surprise lottery. I feel like I climbed a mountain top and met a god-like figure who helped me figure out some basic, meaningful things about my life. I feel like a sailor at sea for five years who suddenly sees shore and remembers there’s a baller bawdy house in that town.

You guys! Holy fricking Snooky-on-a-bender-at-the-shore, THIS IS THE BEST INDEPENDENCE DAY EVER! HASHTAG AMERICA HASHTAG USA USA USA HASHTAG LIGHTYEARS!

Projected lineup:

PG - Stephen "Unanimous MVP" Curry

SG - Klay "37 points in a quarter" Thompson

SF - Harrison Bar——hahahahahahahaha just kidding!!!! KEVIN "FRICKIN" DURANT!!!!

PF - Draymond "How you like me now??" Green

C - Literally, anyone. They could sign me, at 5’11" and 150 lbs, and still be competitive. I’d get my ass handed to me, but the team would still be among the best ever and I wouldn’t care how much pain I was in. (Also, have you seen these new contracts? Man, gotta get up in some of that)

Bench - TBD (much more on this later)

I’m so excited I feel like I should invest in paper bag stock. I feel as giddy as a Labrador Retriever puppy with a bowl full of puppy treats. I feel like Al Pacino sitting at his desk admiring his pile of... I could dance on a cloud made of misty, bubbly champagne. I’m so crazed I’m almost thanking the Warriors for losing the championship because it somehow led them to this moment.

LIGHT YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARZZZZZZZZZ BAAAABBYY

Whew!! Okay, we’ll have more rational, insightful looks into how this actually affects the team, the salary cap implications, the personnel implications (goodbye Harrison Barnes, Andrew Bogut, and probably Festus Ezeli), and everything else soon, including a bunch of posts throughout the day. First question, who the hell is going to be the starting center?!

But for now, it’s time to party. Fire up those grills, crack open a cold one, and enjoy the day!! BOOOOOOOOOOMSHAKALLACKA

HAPPY FOURTH EVERYONE!

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