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Fake Steve Kerr Mailbag #2: KD v Steph & McCaw v Bell

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Fake Steve Kerr and Ron Adams explain how KD is like Pac-Man in the meaningless void of the cosmos.

NBA: Golden State Warriors-Media Day
me and the wide sargasso sea of press
Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Despite how the last mailbag ended, we were lucky enough to get (fake) head coach Steve Kerr to join us for another frank, honest conversation. We were also lucky enough to be joined by (fake) assistant coach Ron Adams. Be assured that this is in no way completely fictional and that none of the personal life details of these interesting people were invented wholesale.


Q1 from basketballRules. Who is better Kevin Durant or Stephen Curry? Also, who is the future MVP, Patrick McCaw or Jordan Bell?

Kerr: You know, that’s a lot of pressure to put on two young skilled players, a rookie and near-rookie. I think they can both be really good starters some day. We’re getting Pat touches running the pick and roll, trying to bring out a Shaun Livingston game with three-point range. Jordan Bell has a feel for the game and a nose for the ball. He’s a kind of Draymond Green Light.

Adams: A sort of non-alcoholic Draymond. I can tell you, non-alcoholic beer is made the same way alcoholic beer is, but you put it in a vacuum and lightly boil the beer to extract the alcohol. That’s what we’re doing with Jordan. We will put him in the vacuum of near-zero playing time. [Note: Bell ended up playing surprise minutes in the opener anyway.]

I notice that you didn’t answer the first question about KD and Steph.

Kerr: The people of the Internet have sent me a lot of comments, sometimes heated, sometimes over-emotional, often in all-caps, saying that I don’t appreciate Steph. And they are right. Steph is someone that I haven’t praised enough, because he makes it easy to take him for granted.

Adams: It’s actually Curry’s superpower, like mine is invisibility, and KD’s is being Pac-Man.

Did you say Pac-Man?

Kerr: In 2015-16, Steph put up arguably the greatest offensive season in history. Defenses are bent out of shape trying to guard this guy. You can’t give him the shot. You can’t body him up or he’ll step back to 28 and drain it, or drive by and finish. And his finishing is really underrated. And KD is a Hall of Fame scorer. He just runs into points walking down the street.

Adams: Kevin just glides around this maze of a world and gathers points everywhere into his flapping waka-waka maw. I play-tested many a Pac-Man game in the arcades while I was a young poet and programmer for Namco in Japan. Perhaps he’s more like Ms. Pac-Man, because the defender ghosts move unpredictably in real life, and the original is deterministic.

Kerr: And KD can guard 3 through 5, and isn’t embarrassed by the smalls, and he can fly in on the weak-side and block shots. So I’ll let others judge who is more important. Both of them could lead a championship team, and both of them are doing so, right now!

Q2 from fresh donutz. What’s the next trend in hoops that we as a team have our eyes on. Basically, where do you see basketball going?

Kerr: Off the court, it’s advances in health technology. How do we keep our players healthy, thriving and not on injured reserve? On the court, the league is still catching up to the Warriors in terms of having fluid positions in basketball, both on offense and in defense, with our switching scheme.

Adams: The heart of good basketball is defense, and the heart of defense is agape love. I will put my body on the line for the love of the community. And I won’t ever get a commercial or a highlight for being in good defensive position, but it serves the community. And the heart of love is empathy. I understand you as a person, a common soul in this meaningless void we call the cosmos, and I can switch my defensive assignment for yours with a clear, pure, empathetic heart. I will take on your existential burdens and I trust you to take on mine.

Kerr: Damn, Ron, that was cosmic and deep!

Q3. if your Bulls teams of the late 90s played the current Warriors squad and you —

Kerr: No I really mean it, Ron. I’m feeling really cosmic. Do you want to blast some EDM and meditate at the free throw circle?

Adams: Only if it’s Kraftwerk and not the modern stuff.

Okay, maybe we can pick up with this question next time? I can write up what we’ve got so far.

Adams: Oh, are you a writer? I thought you were some kind of intern.


That’s it for now. If you have more questions for Fake Steve Kerr, send them to FakeSteveKerr@gmail.com or post them in the comments below.

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