The Kings and Lakers are dumb.

Unless you’ve been living underneath a rock since before All-Star Weekend, you may have noticed that things in the NBA have been ... interesting. The Kings literally traded DeMarcus Cousins during the All-Star Game. And then, this morning, the Los Angeles Lakers basically said, “Oh yeah? Here, hold my beer.”

OH MAN THAT GUY IS HORRIBLE AND IS EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT THE LAKERS AND LOS ANGELES!!!! Ugh, I need to go shower and wash the filth off after watching that .gif a few times too many.

Somehow, these two cataclysmic events dovetail into one another like fighter pilots battling above the smoking crater of WWII England. Apparently, as the rumor goes, the Lakers would not part with prized rookie Brandon Ingram in a proposed DeMarcus Cousins trade. Kings GM Vlade Divak ended up going with New Orleans’ pile of sh—-, er, I mean, trade proposal of Buddy Hield (will he ever be good?), a mid-level first round pick, and a second round pick. Apparently, Jeannie Buss was incensed over the Lakers’ inability to land Cousins, and went straight up Cersei Lannister on her brother.

Let me take this moment to quote an immortal seagull, and say, “AHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

Things are REAL AF right now in the NBA. Vivek Ranadive is trying to set the record for dumbest-decisions-made-per-year, previously held by Donald Sterling. Seriously, he’s averaging about four or five MAJORLY ridiculous decisions per calendar year at this point.

Reminder:

Other reminder:

Other other reminder:

STEPH CURRY! HE THINKS HIELD COULD BE CURRY!

Let me just say: Hield is 23, he’s playing basketball that screams “ehhhhh,” and he is literally only three years younger than DeMarcus Cousins!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING KANGZZZZZ???

This is so dumb. This is so frickin dumb. I feel worse for the human race, somehow. Even worse than I felt after November. Well, no. Not that bad. Let’s be real. This is only sports, after all. But still.

Ranadive was a former part-owner of the Warriors. He left to purchase the Kings. I once wrote some really nice things about him, wishing him nothing but the best. But his decisions have been the sports equivalent of a dumpster fire in an endless void singing “Sweet Home Alabama,” snorting lines of ketamine, and doing shots of gin. It’s just darkness, all around.

Okay, and now back to the beasts in the south.

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve enjoyed watching the Lakers squirm on the end of the proverbial stick for the past few seasons.

With the bloody, merciless execution — uh, I mean firing — of Jim Buss and Mitch Kubchiak, Magic Johnson now carries the Lakers’ golden torch forward into a great unknown.

Just...

Also...

Also also...

Dear Magic, please PLEAAAAAASE trade for Carmelo. He’d be the perfect fit for y’all. You need stars. Do it.

I imagine Bob Myers and Joe Lacob sitting in a jacuzzi right, playing footsie, drinking flutes of champagne and listening to Kenny G. It’s peaceful as heck in Warriors-land. I mean, their division continues to implode, LeBron wants more players, the league is falling apart around them, and they signed Kevin Frickin’ Durant.

It’s all going to be gravy until they get to the first round, face Alvin Gentry and the Pelicans, and suddenly, oh man... SMH, RIGHT. The Pelicans have (potentially) the best frontcourt in history now. Damn everything.

If there’s one thing we found out over the past few weeks: The NBA is crazier, better, and more stupefying than ever before. Bring on the madness, I’m ready.