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The world is ending, and it’s Joe Lacob’s fault

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By making the Warriors the league’s best team, has Joe Lacob doomed us all to a fiery death?

NBA: Houston Rockets at Golden State Warriors Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

The world is ending, and it’s Joe Lacob’s fault. But, not in the way you might think. Stay with me, we’ll get there.

Here in Warriors-land, things are not so peachy. Things feel ... bad. Things feel like they did before Joe Lacob bought the team. Things are, actually, surprisingly comforting in how dysfunctional they feel. Looking at the Warriors’ starting five for the Spurs game, I felt an odd tinge of nostalgia. “Huh, would you look at that? Patrick McCaw, Shaun Livingston, Matt Barnes, Kevon Looney and Zaza Pachulia are starting? Let’s do this! I’m ready to draft Joe Smith all over again!! Hand me the scotch, the matches, and my Spongebob Squarepants undies, things are gonna get weird tonight!”

It’s like — for one night — I re-experienced my childhood. Was able to step back in time and remember such gorgeous starting lineups as, say, a November 29, 2000 starting lineup of Antwan Jamison, Larry Hughes, Bob Sura, Erick Dampier, and Chris Mills. That lineup just screams “COOOOOOHAAAAAAAN,” does it not? By the way, the Warriors lost that game 106-83 to the Clippers (the Clippers, for Chirssake) to fall to 4-11 on the season. Those were the days.

There was something undeniably comforting, warm, and cathartic watching the Warriors trot Zaza and a bunch of bench players out to face an almost equally depleted Spurs team. It’s like the world hadn’t yet gone to hell. Watching McCaw bounce shot after shot off a suddenly-unforgiving rim made me weep with gratitude. Made me feel right back at home. An undersized scorer (Ian Clark) going off in a meaningless game? Let’s get straight-out-of-high-school Monta Ellis back here! Fire up the time machine.

Hell, we don’t even need a time machine for Matty Barnes. He’s already out there on the court! It’s almost like the past 12 years never happe—um, yeah ... about that.

When the Warriors are bad—like truly, completely, god-awful bad—things feel right in the world. The past few years have felt like an aberration; have felt like an affront to the cosmic order. Surely, there was never any chance of my favorite team, the Golden State Warriors, winning a title, right? I mean, that would just be stupefyingly preposterous. Wait, wait ... they did win? With [gasp] homegrown talent?!!! Wait, they drafted wisely and then allowed those players to [gulp] blossom without panic-trading them away to the lowest bidder????!!!!! And then they [NO WAY] were within a few points of going back to back????!! One of those homegrown talents (on an insanely, stupidly unfair team-friendly deal) won back to back MVPs and was the first ever [GTFOH, seriously, G all the way TFOH] unanimous MVP?! And then, after coming oh so close to a second ring, that same team went out and signed KEVIN FREAKIN DURANT?!

G

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There’s no way any of this actually happened.

If I wake up tomorrow, and the Warriors’ starting lineup actually is Patrick McCaw, Shaun Livingston, Matt Barnes, Kevon Looney and Zaza Pachulia, I’ll be okay. I’ll feel like a cosmically off-balance moment has naturally righted itself. I’ll feel a sense of peace, a sense of calm. Sure, my favorite team sucks, but at least we’re all not about to die a fiery death at the mercy of pack of hell hounds.

Wait, actually, now that I think about it, perhaps it’s the Warriors fault that the world seems to be ending. Seriously! A clown with a rotten, lumpy orange for a face in the White House? Fascism on the rise? All the world’s evil brimming right beneath a boiling point? Maybe it’s all because the Warriors are good now. Think about it.

The last time the Warriors were bad — bad like they should be, always, to apparently keep our monster overlords in check a la “Cabin in the Woods” — we had a competent man in the White House. The economy was on the rise. England hadn’t Brexited all over the European Union. I wasn’t so afraid and shocked by the news on a nightly basis.

Things seemed ... simpler.

Maybe the Warriors have accidentally pressed the “self-destruct” button! Maybe we need to trade Durant, fire Steve Kerr, and let Curry leave in free agency in order to save ourselves from an untimely, certain doom! It’s the only way! C’mon everyone! Come with me! This way! TANK TANK TANK!!!

I blame you, Joe Lacob, for making this team good. You’ve opened a portal. You’ve unleashed the hellfire. We might never come back from this plunge towards the abyss, and it’s all because the Warriors got good, finally.