Steve Kerr must wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and just giggle. Seriously. Where does his decision to not come to the Knicks rank on the all-time Mt. Rushmore of sports decisions? It has to be top five, right?
I mean, do you think he’s built a small shrine? Does he pray nightly in front of this shrine, thanking the basketball gods that he got away? Do you think the shrine is just a montage of all the batshit insane NY Post and NY Daily News clippings about “The Evil Triangle,” or about how “Phil Jackson is the Devil?” I bet all the newspaper clippings are strewn together with twine, a la “A Beautiful Mind,” and I bet he cries every time he bows down before it.
I have all sorts of other horribly inappropriate ideas and visions of what he does in front of this shrine, but being as this is a family blog, we’re gonna move right along.
The Knicks are an absolute f’ing disaster. They suck. They suck the joy out of life. All of life’s goodness — that little bit left over in a post November world — has been tainted by the sulphuric stench radiating off the decomposing, bloated flesh of the Knickerbockers’ organization.
Primarily, this stench wafts from Jim Dolan. I shouldn’t say anything — this dude has a band and he has hired some of my friends to play with him in the past and I heard he pays really well, even for rehearsals, and in my mind that’s the type of gig I should be angling for — but F it. I don’t want his filthy money. Also, his singing sucks. Also, his stupid hat sucks.
Ugggh. I really hate talking shit about other musicians, but ... I suppose I can let this slide, because, duh. He’s not a musician. His band, on the other hand, is dope. And also brave AF for putting up with that nonsense. (I’m sure the money helps)
On the basketball side of things ...
[puts head in hand]
[cries gently for ten minutes]
[looks into the sky for answers, finding none, continues weeping]
Where do I even begin?
The Knicks hired Phil Jackson to save the franchise. So far, in no particular order, he has:
- Missed out on Steve Kerr, turned around and hired Derek Fisher.
- Eventually fired Derek Fisher, in no small part because recent Warriors-signee Matt Barnes (part of a larger issue we’ve been dealing with here at GSOM, the arrests and police record, etc) beat the crap out of Fisher when he found him at his ex-wife’s house.
- Traded J.R. Smith and Iman Shumpert to the Cavs in a three team trade for a pile of dog feces.
- The Tyson Chandler trade (again, for basically nothing, but only because they drafted poorly).
- Signed Carmelo Anthony to a huge new contract, gave him a no-trade clause (
only player in the league with one, wait Dirk has one too), and then turned around and alienated the holy heck out of him, and yet did not find a trade parter for him before the deadline even though he no longer wants Carmelo on the team.
- Signed Derrick Rose. Derrick Rose sucked. Tried to trade Derrick Rose before this trade deadline. Was, again, unsuccessful in this attempt.
- Signed 32 year-old, washed AF Joakim Noah to a 4-year, $72 million contract. HAHAHAHA I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING HE ACTUALLY DID THAT!
- After striking all the way out during the trade deadline (and in free agency, maybe even a bigger deal. Seriously, Kevin Durant wouldn’t even hold a meeting with them), Phil decided the one thing wrong with the Knicks was that they weren’t running the triangle enough. Just... Matt Moore said it best:
The Knicks are 25th in defense in the NBA.
The Knicks are 25th in defense in the NBA.
Why am I repeating this? Because for some reason, Phil Jackson continues to fail to understand why it is that the team he put together sits at 24-36, 12 games under .500 and 4.5 games back of the eighth seed in the Eastern Conference. Jackson continues to believe that the real answer which will solve all of the Knicks’ problems is their offense, and, particularly, the absence of the triangle offense in their systems.
The best part, in the immediate aftermath:
If that’s not a giant, angry, ostracized middle finger towards Phil Jackson, then I’m pretty sure I don’t understand sign language.
The Knicks are a trash fire, except the trash fire is burning eternally in the belly of a bloated, angry, Trump-loving, trust fund billionaire wearing a stupid hat singing a song about the wild west when that mofo has never even been in a bar fight, I guarantee you. Or if he did, he hired some goons to do his fighting for him. The Knicks are a trash fire lit on the mountains of Gondor as a beacon for all to see. A cry for help. A warning sign of impending doom.
Oh man, you know what I just remembered?!
I DIDN’T EVEN MENTION THE CHARLES OAKLEY THING!!!! Hahahahahahahaha, oh jeez. This is bad. This is how you know it’s bad: You get 900 words into a piece about how stupid and embarrassing a franchise is, and you totally forget to mention that their most beloved player recently got arrested, handcuffed, and banned-for-life from the arena for heckling the owner. Michael Jordan and Adam Silver had to swoop in and tell both of them to chill the F out. This actually happened.
Anyways, what better way for the Warriors to get back on track than by wiping the floor with this embarrassment of a franchise? Unless, you know, they’re all hung over again after Draymond’s birthday night in NYC.