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I turned my phone off for a week and the NBA exploded, pt. 2

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“We’re not calling him Swaggy P. His name is Nick.” - Bob Myers.

NBA: Preseason-Golden State Warriors at Los Angeles Lakers Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Herein lies Pt. 2 of my strange attempt to recap the week-that-was-that-I-missed of NBA free agency. For Pt. 1, click here.

So, I missed the bulk of NBA free agency because I was in Hawaii and turned my phone and computer off for the better part of the week. It was an amazing experience. I highly recommend getting the hell off the grid every once in a while. The world is a dumbly infuriating place full of stupid people doing stupid things, and it’s a necessary procedure to remove yourself from being notified about it, if only for a week or so at a time.

That being said, the NBA is fun! The NBA is great! I’ve had a blast catching up on all the free agency news. Some of the things pleased me deeply (Stephen Curry getting his money, Kevin Durant taking a huge salary cut to enable the Warriors to keep Andre Iguodala and Shaun Livingston), some of the things confused me (KNICKS!! -- more on this soon), and some of the things just made me go [shrug emoji] (Paul Millsap to the Nuggets).

So, let’s pick up right where we left off.

July 5th

The big news, obviously, was Dion Waiters getting that skrilla, re-signing with the Miami heat for 4yrs/$52M.

Lol. Actually, who am I kidding?

The actually big news was NICK YOUNG (aka, “Swaggy P,” aka “don’t record the man, that’s his business,” aka the “LA Thriller”) SIGNED WITH THE WARRIORS.

He actually did this. The Warriors actually did this. I know, I’m shocked. SHOCKED. Nick Young, best known, perhaps, for this timeless moment, is now a member of the world champion Golden State Warriors.

Listen, listen. Okay, wait, let me stop laughing. Wait, wait. Okay, let me put down my drink. No, no, actually I need another drink. Okay, here goes.

Maybe this will work out.

If JaVale McGee can become an NBA champion, inspiring millions of goofballs around the world, then perhaps, perhaps, Nick Young can do the same.

A few quick notes:

Pfffffffff, yup, give me that drink.

Durant immediately trolled the newest member of the squad:

The NBA is truly the best thing.

However, Swaggy Delicious, or P Swiggles or whatever might not get the, uh, warmest of receptions from hardcore Warriors fans.

This, from just last year:

However, once confronted by the old tweets, Shiny Swizzles immediately walked that train all the way back to the beginning, saying:

PFFFF, yeah, okay, sure. Your phone was hacked the same way that [inserts really mean, incredibly biting joke about Donald Jr. and his whole situation, but then deletes said joke for fear of firing]. Actually, while we are here, I just want to circle back to my earlier statement that, “the world is a dumbly infuriating place full of stupid people doing stupid things, and it’s a necessary procedure to remove yourself from being notified about it, if only for a week or so at a time.” Can I go back to Hawaii? Please? Can I stop having to deal with the world again? I’ve been back for like four days and already I feel like everything is crumbling.

Speaking of dumb people doing incredibly dumb things:

Dan Gilbert is a cheap idiot and is getting dangerously close to losing LeBron James for a second time.

From SB Nation’s Tom Ziller:

Cavaliers franchise owner Dan Gilbert dismissed his respected, LeBron-approved GM David Griffin just before the draft. Gilbert's grand plan: hire Chauncey Billups to run the front office as president of basketball operations. A perhaps weak part of that plan: lowball the holy Hades out of Billups. Shelburne and Spears reports Gilbert offered about $1.5 million per year at first, bumping it to $2 million, or 50 percent of what most folks in that position make, once Billups declined. Billups this week declined to stay with ESPN and play in the BIG3. "Nice work, Dan Gilbert," he said sarcastically.

Lol, good. Good.

Anyways, while Nick Young was swagging up the joint and while Gilbert was stinking up his franchise, I was...

July 6th

KNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKS!!!!!!!

Oh my lord, the Knicks are the worst run franchise in the world. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, JAMES DOLAN? Hahahahahahahahaha.

I’ll once again let genius-mastermind Tom Ziller explain what happened, as his pure, unadulterated incredulity comes across beautifully in his fresh prose:

The Knicks drafted Tim Hardaway Jr. back in the first round in 2013. He was fine for a pick in the 20s as a single-minded wing scorer, with mixed results in his efficiency. Ultimately replaceable. So the Knicks used him in a draft night trade in 2015 to get Jerian Grant, a point guard. A year later, the Knicks threw Grant into the pot for the Derrick Rose trade.

Hardaway's a restricted free agent now, and New York decided to try to bring him back. That's a little weird -- you trade a player for low return (which you flip for a rental) and then chase the original player in free agency two years on? okay -- but hey, circumstances change.

The Knicks offered Hardaway $71 million over four years.

$71 million.

Four years.

Seventy.

One.

Million.

Dollars.

For Tim Hardaway Jr.

Hardaway was fine for a late first round pick, and he's fine for a supplemental wing scorer -- a poor man's Jamal Crawford, if you will. But that is a huge contract, even at the current modern salary levels. Hardaway's average salary is something like 18 percent of the salary cap. You can't be paying a guy who should be your fifth or sixth best player 18 percent of the cap! Math dictates that you don't do that!

Oh, it’s so good to be home in NYC, where you can always count on the hapless Knickerbockers to do something so blind and stupid that every single NBA writer just starts giggling maniacally. The Knicks now own the TWO worst contracts in the NBA. There’s no single contract worse than Joakim Noah’s albatross of a deal, but this has to be a close second, right? I mean who in the holy hell were they bidding against? I don’t think any other team in the league would have offered Hardaway more than, say, 4yrs/50M or something, and even that would have surprised me. But when the player himself is downright surprised by the offer, maybe you are not very good at negotiating contracts.

Man. I guess do you, Jimmy.

Do you.

Meanwhile, I was climbing down to the bottom of Wailua Falls (only seen before from above), and swimming beneath a dang waterfall.

(TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME BACK. I LITERALLY CANNOT DEAL WITH DONALD JR., JAMES F’ING DOLAN, DAN GILBERT AND THEIR ILK BEING ALLOWED TO CONTINUOUSLY EMBARRASS THEMSELVES ON THE WORLD STAGE. IT’S TOO MUCH FOR MY POOR LITTLE BRAIN).

Okay, sorry. Whew. Thinking happy thoughts.

July 7th

A bunch of other things happened over the next few days. I flew home, for one, and started battling with this intense jet lag (getting old) and binge watching Game of Thrones episodes (getting excited for next Sunday!).

Check in on SB Nation’s Free Agency tracker for a complete listing of where everyone signed.

Most of the big names have signed. The only notable players still out there: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope and Nerlens Noel, which, yeah. I don’t see Noel deeply impacting any contender, and most likely he’ll re-sign with Dallas.

So, what did we learn? Anything? Something? I think I learned that I need to turn my phone off more often. Disengagement might be the only way I’m getting through the months to come.

Anyways, that was a blast you guys. Hope you had a fun time catching back up on all the madness.

Cheers, and happy NBA-ing!

Bram