I expected Friday to start off uneventfully. I was wrong.
ESPN’s Brian Windhorst announced that J.R Smith recently served a one-game suspension for throwing soup at Cavaliers assistant coach Damon Jones.
It’s never fun to be hit with soup. Actually, I don’t know that for sure. I’ve never been hit with soup, but I can think of better foods to hit me. What Windhorst failed to disclose was the type of soup that Smith tossed at his coach.
Here is the undisputed top-10 worst soups to have thrown at you.
10. Corn chowder — A delicious, southwestern delicacy, corn chowder can take many forms. While it won’t stain clothing, it will trick bystanders that the receiver of the thrown soup just puked on themselves — never a good look.
9. Matzo ball — Jews from Shaker Heights to the Golan Heights would be absolutely outraged if the culinary pride of the chosen people was tossed at a fellow human. “J.R. wasted a perfectly good Matzo ball.” Don’t @ me — I’m Jewish.
8. Pozole Rojo — I could eat this stuff off my clothes every day of my life. Digging out hominy kernels and shards of pork shoulder though would truly be a day ruiner.
7. Egg drop — You know how the youth ‘egg’ houses on Halloween? Well, throwing egg drop soup at someone is like egging a person. The idea of tossing your egg drop soup at someone is just so disrespectful.
6. Gumbo — Tossing this stuff would be a big middle finger to the people of New Orleans. Not super thick, but not exactly light, gumbo would be a disaster. A decedent rue would envelope your body along with a “holy trinity” of vegetables and fresh shrimp. You’d also just be sad your angry dining comrade couldn’t enjoy this delicious meal that embodies one of our nation’s most unique geographies.
5. French Onion Soup (FOS) — This one is the most painful. French onion soup needs to be HOT. In order to make that beautiful little tent of Gruyere cheese, FOS is often broiled and served immediately. It’s often served in heavy, ungodly-hot bowls because when cooks broil the cheese, the vessel is also broiled. WHAM! First the cheese. SMACK! It would literally feel like the French Revolution on your body. Have at it, Robespierre!
4. Bouillabaisse — Likely the most expensive soup on the list, you should consider yourself lucky to have some bouillabaisse in your life. The soup tosser could have easily thrown a giant lobster at you. Instead, they cooked the lobster and all of its playmates, created a stew, and chucked their remnants (plus some saffron) your way. Shrimp in the ears! Oh god! Imagine finding a clam behind your ear after cleaning this stuff up. Major bummer!
3. Bun Bo Hue (BBH) — This is my favorite dish of the bunch. A distant cousin of pho, this Vietnamese soup would really just be painful. BBH can be quite spicy so if the broth gets in your eyes, prepare to be blind for days. The coagulated pig blood cubes would surely ruin the new outfit (but may match Cavalier-red nicely). Pork hocks are hard and sharp. Other than that, Bun Bo Hue to the face ALL DAY.
2. Cheddar Broccoli — Reports from Jason Concepcion at the Ringer indicate that this could be the culprit. If I was Damon Jones and got hit with cheddar broccoli soup, I’d quit. I hear though that when people from Wisconsin want facials they just pour melted cheddar cheese on themselves. To each their own!
dead ass serious, I’m hearing broccoli cheddar.— ☕netw3rk (@netw3rk) March 2, 2018
1. Borscht — The end of days. This Eastern European go-to soup has some exceptional features. 1) It’s made with beets. PSA: Whenever you are about to eat beats, just change your clothes. Maybe I’ll just start a company that sells shirts for beet eating. A drop of beet, aka purple-sweet blood poison just kills your garb forever. Just brutal. 2) Borscht is cold. Imagine seeing the enemy throw the soup at you and then bracing for something hot. Instead of hot soup, you are shocked when an icy purple wave slaps your face. Pneumonia.
I love soup. I love J.R. Smith. Pray for Damon Jones.