The envious hopelessness of Warriors haters in the summer of Boogie

Dear Gold-Blooded Diary,

Last weekend I was in my Oakland music studio, caught in a classic recording engineer’s dilemma: how come the microphone isn’t picking up sound? My bleary eyes squinted through a smoky haze at the computer screen, trying to focus my brain on how to fix the problem. Trust me, nobody likes an engineer who slows down the session through ineptitude. Two friends of mine were there with me; they were New York rappers touring the Bay for the first time and looking to spit some hot fire.

As I tried to scramble through the troubleshooting steps, one of my buddies, “Crim”, grunted, “Must be real nice bein’ a Warriors fan right now, huh? Y’all winnin’ mad games, son.”

I snorted back an affirmative grunt, too focused on figuring why the hell my equipment wasn’t working to gloat over my allegiance to the Golden Empire. Both of them gave a knowing chuckle. “C’mon bruh, be real,” Crim needled. “How does it feel knowing you just swept this man Bron outta Cleveland? I just gotta know what it feels like, you being a true fan and all.”

Right then, my eye caught the answer to my annoying problem: I had merely forgotten to select “enable recording” on the offending track. Whoa, I was pretty stoned. Relieved that the issue was an easy fix, I felt free to return to his “life sure must be nice” line of questioning and seek a true answer.

After all, as Knicks fans, they haven’t tasted championship success in billions of basketball years. It was my duty to share the reverent testimony of what the rarefied air of a dynasty feels like in the lungs.

I dove into the murky cauldron of emotion and desire that lives within my soul, searching for the truth. My feelings on the matter began rippling out from my heart: erasing the LeBron James era Cleveland Cavaliers hadn’t filled me with wonder, or surprise. No, this emotion was closer to something like how Al Pacino’s Michael Corleone must have felt in the infamous “Godfather II” baptism scene.

So much carnage has been wreaked upon the league. So much crying and seething from the NBA’s hopeless franchises has been uttered. And the team I have watched grow from incompetent, coach-chokers into arguably the greatest squad of all time, is directly responsible for that rampant torture.

In the studio, I turned to Crim, and responded, “I didn’t even really get that hyped when we swept the Finals. It was kinda inevitable.”

Both Knicks fans eyebrows went up. The briefest of silent pauses froze us as they absorbed a response so nonchalant, yet so clearly tinged with undertones of unflinching arrogance.

Then there was a burst of laughter from all of us in unison... because we all knew it was true. It was inevitable.

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I know the Warriors have a Team USA caliber roster, coached by a brilliant psychologist and tactician, designed by the shrewdest general manager in the game, funded by a feisty Silicon Valley billionaire.

But why is the majority of rest of the league light-years behind the Dubs? Poor ownership, poor coaching, and poor play. You know how I know? Because I’ve been a Warriors fan since I was four: I know what horrible basketball organizations look like. Every year we put out a crappy team that got steamrolled by teams with multiple Hall of Famers like Jordan’s Bulls, Shaq and Kobe’s Lakers or Duncan’s Spurs — Warriors fans didn’t blame the league for lack of parity. We blamed our team for being buffoons.

Since the 2014-2015 season, the Warriors have won 80% of their regular season games. Every fan that is out there shaking their fist at the Dubs because their mediocre team keeps getting murked like the rival gangs in that Godfather clip, needs to know their damn role. If your team isn’t on the champs’ level, it’s because they don’t deserve to be there. Blame your franchise, don’t blame the Dubs for glowing up and figuring it all out after decades in the doldrums.

Take C.J. McCollum, one of my favorite players to use when I’m roasting random’s online in NBA2K. One of the best offensive players in the game today, C.J. is a part of a dangerous Portland backcourt co-starring alongside Oakland hero Damian Lillard. C.J. also been swept out of the last two playoffs, two years ago to the Warriors, and last year to the Demarcus Cousins-less New Orleans Pelicans.

Real quick: did you catch the eliminated McCollum on ESPN being forced to watch gametape of Jrue Holiday pouring BBQ sauce down his back? Did you see retired-hooper-turned-talking-head Jalen Rose snarkily holding a broom as he looked C.J. in the face and demanded an explanation for the ass whooping the Pelicans dished out?

Clearly, C.J.’s championship dreams can’t even see past New Orleans. His team is a non-factor in the hunt to dethrone Golden State. As such, C.J. already appears to be shifting gears and shrewdly setting himself up for his post-basketball career with several TV appearances and even a podcast. Gotta keep the brand going somehow right? I’m not hatin — get that media money!

But when he tweeted that Kevin Durant’s move to become baptized in the Splash was “soft”, after KD generously appeared on C.J.’s podcast, I knew C.J. was suffering from the same envious hopelessness the rest of the NBA is under. C.J. should have been asking KD for tips on how to defend Holiday!

Now, it’s one thing for a fan or media personality to just spew venomous hate in circular arguments that go nowhere. You know, comments like these:

• The Warriors are lucky/The Warriors are too good
• The Warriors are soft/The Warriors are dirty, physical, cheaters
• Steph Curry isn’t that good/Steph Curry is the brilliant face of the dynasty
• 73 wins means nothing without the rings/KD joining a 73 win team means the rest of the league is reduced to garbage

(Side note: My favorite is when OKC fans drop out of thin air into my twitter DM’s, seeking to give me comeuppance for my gold-blooded behavior. You want to know the surefire way to banish them back into the phantom zone with their blithering madness? Ask them this: “If Kevin Durant was TOO good to join the Warriors, how come Y’ALL couldn’t win a title with him in almost a decade?”)

The cold, haunting visions of James Harden holding the MVP trophy and Carmelo Anthony’s hoodie should send them into apoplectic shock, freeing you to go back to living in your golden state of mind.

Photo by Gene Sweeney Jr./Getty Images

Anyways, like I was saying, it’s one thing for a deranged fanatic or a media commentator to rattle off that nonsense. It’s quite another for a supposed friend of Durant’s to effectively tell the masses “maybe don’t call KD the B-word, but definitely think of him as soft”. I wonder if Dame Lillard appreciates that C.J. effectively guaranteed the Warriors will be on Michael Corleone mode for every Portland game until C.J. either is traded or retires.

As KD ominously told C.J. on his podcast, “Don’t worry about what goes on at the top of things”.

Bada bing, bada boom!