The Golden State Warriors are making their one trip of the season to Orlando this week, home of Legoland, the NBA bubble, Tiger Woods, the Backstreet Boys, and of course, Walt Disney World. We know Klay Thompson is a big Harry Potter fan, because he dragged then-teammates Harrison Barnes and Leandro Barbosa to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter back in 2016, but Orlando is about DISNEY, baby. Plus, this team clearly has a lot of Muggles on it, because otherwise they’d have been casting spells about relieving back pain months ago. It’s a shame there’s no off day, so the Warriors may have to settle for playing the Orlando Magic instead of visiting the Magic Kingdom.
So what is every Warrior’s favorite Disney World attraction? Here’s our best analysis.
Steph Curry: Splash Mountain
Steph is a Splash Brother; this is a Splash Mountain. It’s a perfect fit! If there weren’t some associations with the #Cancelled Disney film Song of the South, you could even call Steph “Brer Splash”. Splash Mountain drops you in from an impossibly long distance right before the end, the Disney World equivalent of a dagger three, but it’s also full of cuddly critters, and Steph is one of the cuddliest stars in NBA history. Plus, you know he could easily hit a shot from inside a briar patch.
Klay Thompson: Pirates of the Caribbean
Klay loves the water, and this is the finest boat ride at Walt Disney World. Arguably, Thompson has led the life of a pirate in the past few years, roaming the high seas, parking his boat wherever he wanted, growing out his beard, and attacking from long range. Pirates of the Caribbean even features a helpful pooch holding keys to the brig in his mouth, to remind Klay of his beloved dog Rocco.
Jordan Poole: Space Mountain
When Steph Curry’s not on the floor, what’s the main thing that Jordan Poole provides? Space. And of course, this classic Disney coaster relies on another key principle Poole brings to the offense, gravity. The moves are unpredictable, and riders are left in the dark, like a defender trying to track Poole, or an emerging young star trying to anticipate Steve Kerr’s rotations. Space Mountain opened in 1975, which is where the short shorts Poole rocked during his rookie season look like they’re from as well. Is Space Mountain a little old-fashioned? Is it sometimes rough? Yes, but you can’t deny it deserves to be in the closing five of Disney World rides.
Joe Lacob: Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin
As Joe famously told the New York Times, the Warriors are Buzz Lightyears ahead of the rest of the NBA.
Draymond Green: Star Tours
It’s an exciting thrill ride with a surprising amount of quick movement, where you’re at the mercy of a volatile, mouthy captain. There’s a bunch of different randomized missions, because Draymond loves versatility, and he also loves that droids don’t care if you yell at them or call them a “bitch.” Plus, the rides accommodate a lot of people at once, so they can easily push the pace on a queue, despite periodic mechanical breakdowns.
Andre Iguodala: Expedition Everest - Legend of the Forbidden Mountain
It’s a roller coaster that promises to take you all the way to the top, but one of the oldest figures - the animatronic Yeti - broke down very quickly under the workload. Imagineers say the Yeti is going to have mobility again, and they’re working on it constantly, because it really is a key part of the attraction, the Yeti’s like a coach on the coaster out there, it’s great with young riders, and Steph Curry loves it...
Just kidding. Andre’s favorite attraction is the golf courses surrounding the park.
Kevon Looney: DINOSAUR
It’s a slow-moving ride featuring large creatures that move robotically, and it’s surprisingly effective!
Jonathan Kuminga: Soarin’ Around The World
During his rookie season, that’s pretty much what Jonathan Kuminga has been doing. Soarin’ for dunks, soarin’ for blocked shots, soarin’ out of bounds to corral rebounds. Soarin’ is a hang gliding simulator that sometimes draws criticism for only doing one thing, but it’s very good at doing that thing. This review of the ride could be describing the experience of watching Kuminga dunk: Even if you do it hundreds of times, it never gets old.
Gary Payton II: Millenium Falcon: Smugglers Run
Young Glove may not be a smuggler, but he’s certainly a pickpocket and a thief of lazy passes. “Smugglers Run” is a team ride, rare for Disney world, where guests work together to finish a “mission,” and Gary Payton II is the ultimate glue guy, on the court or in a fake spaceship. If there’s one Warrior we would trust to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs, it would be Gary Payton II.
Steve Kerr: The Hall of Presidents
It’s a nice relaxing exhibition where Coach Kerr can rest his back while sitting and retweeting The Lincoln Project, and think about how a lot of America’s coaches got second-guessed a lot too.
Andrew Wiggins: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
An underrated ride for an underrated player. Maybe this ride doesn’t live up to the vaunted “Mountain” status, but it’s a very solid attraction! Maybe Big Thunder Mountain doesn’t deliver the really big thrills you want, maybe the Fast Passes for it are a little overpriced, and maybe the ride tends to start off really aggressive and then, well, coast a little bit. And yes, if Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was your best roller coaster, you’re not a contending amusement park. But in the context of a park that already has a lot of star attractions, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad isn’t the problem, OK?
Also, the Thunder Mountain Railroad sounds bigger if you measure it with the metric system.
Damion Lee: Mad Tea Party
Spinning and falling down are two of Damion Lee’s favorite things to do on the court so of course he loves the Tea Cups.
Otto Porter Junior: Dumbo
Otto Porter Jr. is iconic and a little bit boring. Sure, his game can be up and down, but it’s always so smooth. Dumbo will fit in with any group of visitors, just like OPJ in any five-man lineup. And like the different elephants of this ride, he wears a lot of different hats for the Dubs.
James Wiseman: Revenge of the Mummy (Universal Studios)
This ride is closed for repairs, and it’s not available in Disney World anyway.
Chris Chiozza: The Barnstormer
It’s a kids’ roller coaster with no height requirement, and it only lasts one minute, which is roughly the length of time Chiozza can be on the court before Warriors fans get angry.
Moses Moody: Peter Pan’s Flight
Moody can really soar, and his haircut looks like it’s from the 70’s, the last time Peter Pan’s Flight was a really exciting ride. Nonetheless, Peter Pan is all about young kids banding together to face an old grizzled veteran captain with a bad leg, and if that isn’t a metaphor for the Warriors bench vs. Chris Paul, I don’t know what is! (Chris Paul is also scared of a ticking clock, but it’s Father Time pursuing him, not a crocodile.)
Juan Toscano-Anderson: Avatar Flight of Passage
It’s a 3-D flight simulator, so the high-flying JTA loves it, even though he doesn’t need it. The only part that’s a bummer is when they make you put on a Jason Richardson jersey and then the ride breaks down.
Nemanja Bjelica: The Twilight Zone Tower Of Terror
Look, this is just a great ride. Belli has good taste!