Warriors meeting with Dwight Howard next week

The Golden State Warriors are looking for a backup big man. They’re meeting with a famous one next week.

Dwight Howard, an eight-time NBA All-Star and one-time Taiwan League All-Star, will meet with Golden State as the team searches for another veteran big man. Howard won the Defensive Player of the Year award three times, led the NBA in rebounding five times and in blocks twice, and annoyed teammates on at least five difference franchises. Most recently, Howard played for the Taoyuan Leopards of the T1 League in Taiwan, who he led to a 6-24 record.

(Note: The Taoyuan Leopard merged with the TaiwanBeer HeroBears this summer and are now the TaiwanBeer Leopards. That was the wrong mascot choice. If anyone knows how to get a HeroBears jersey, please contact the author of this piece.)

Most recently, Howard appeared on Fox’s “Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test” where he distinguished himself by farting relentlessly.

The big man did make it all the way to the finals, but he cracked under the pressure and was removed by the trainers, finishing behind soccer player Carli Lloyd and Bacherlorette Hannah Brown. They buried him, just like Frank Vogel in Howard’s final season with the Lakers.

What would Howard bring to the Warriors?

1. Age: Officially, Andre Iguodala is the NBA’s oldest player until he retires, but practically, LeBron James is the NBA’s elder statesman. Next is P.J. Tucker, one day older than Golden State’s Chris Paul. Howard would be fourth if he comes back to the league. The Warriors ditched committed to one “timeline” when they dealt Jordan Poole and their two most recent draft picks to get the league’s third-oldest player. Adding Howard would show the Warriors are ready to defy the actuarial tables and win now. Or at least win in 2013.
2. Boards: Howard is tenth in NBA history with 14,627 rebounds, just 35 behind Kevin Garnett and 88 behind Robert Parish. While he’s no Kevon Looney on the glass, Howard would help the team on the offensive glass. If he pushes two Boston Celtics down the all-time list, that’s a bonus.
3. Farts: According to former Orlando teammate Glen “Big Baby” Davis, what the Magic missed most after the team traded Howard to the Lakers was his farting ability.

“The thing we’re going to miss most about Dwight,” Davis said. “Is his farting ability.”

“A great farter,” he contined. “He can fart. He can fart loud — the loudest farts. Silent farts.”

The Warriors have always valued flexibility and a switching defense. Howard can fart in the post, but he’s also agile enough to chase smaller players out to the perimeter to fart. He can fart from the dunker spot, since he’s a much stronger farter at the rim, but Dwight has been known to stink-bomb from deep as well. This is one older player who is never going to run out of gas.

4. Team Unity: It’s a legitimate concern for the Warriors whether the team will get along, especially with longtime enemies Chris Paul and Draymond Green sharing a locker room. But nothing can bring a locker room together like a mutual hatred of one individual. Just like the 1980 U.S. Hockey team put aside old rivalries and bonded over their shared loathing of their coach, Herb Brooks, any tension betwene Paul and Green, young players and old, or coach and players will dissipate once Howard starts doing his terrible impressions on the team plane.

5. A revenge tour: Klay Thompson was angry and motivated after being left of the “stupid ass” NBA 75 list in fall of 2021.

Howard was also left off that list. Not only that, his late-career struggles have meant he has lost his beloved “Superman” nickname to Shaquille O’Neal, probably forever, and still gets roasted by O’Neal every week on TNT.

Perhaps Howard and Thompson can both take their hurt feelings out on the NBA this season. But if Klay adopts a superhero nickname as a result, the Warriors could end up a lottery team.

6. A bunch of hippie nonsense: Some fans in the East Bay still resent the Warriors for moving to San Francisco. The team can win back the ones in Berkeley by bringing in Howard and his collection of crystals and sound bowls.

Lord he is annoying.

7. Clicks for Golden State of Mind: Howard’s presence in San Francisco could deliver a steady stream of stupid quotes, unfunny hijinks, complaints about playing time, terrible hairstyles, and possible sex scandals. That is blog gold, my friends. On the court, not so much. SB Nation’s gain would be the Warriors’ loss.

He was 6-24 in Taiwan last year. Hard pass.

(Howard also doesn’t pass.)